the lunatics are in my head

i'm back from my trip. had the best time, but i realized yesterday that i'm floating in the blues still. not sure what's going on, but the state of the news looks a lot like the state of my brain.

art powerlines post has clued me into something a bit deeper about my headspace right now.

"What occurs in our neighborhoods is connected to everything. The new sidewalk outside my front door is connected to when Arundhati Roy asked, "Is "democracy" still democratic? What choices to we really have? Kerry, Bush, Gore, Clinton, "it's not a real choice. It's an apparent choice. Like choosing a brand of detergent. Whether you buy Ivory Snow or Tide, they're both owned by Proctor & Gamble." We are all held accountable for every decision our government makes, because even if we didn't vote them in, we are letting them do whatever they want."

i live in a city much like the one she speaks about. At the north end of San Diego County, Oceanside is the corner of the white bathroom the vacuum just can't get to. In its day, oceanside was the wild west, the place you wouldn't tell your parents you were going to surf. As each beautiful coastal town of my childhood gets rennovated to become a caricature of itself, Oceanside sits waiting for the time when it too can become part of Main Street, USA.

And it's coming. Our memorial is coming down by the end of the year to make room for a Starbucks. The first Starbucks in coastal Oceanside. Not only is that sad for obvious reasons but it will do nothing to help my addiction. And just one exit inland on the 78 there is a Walmart, Bed Bath and Beyond, Target, Best Buy, Staples, and Barnes and Noble that serve to block all small business from surviving in South O.

And that's nothing new i know. But that's not what i'm eerily apathetic about.

I guess what i'm getting to here is that it's not just happening to our cities, it's happening to me. this lull that i feel is fueled by thoughts of being overwhelmed and therefore wanting to give up. NO, not give up like toaster in the bathtub give up. More give up like Oliver Stone just did. After all, once you figure out that there is no difference between Ivory and Snow, then why bother?

Man wants to buy a pot for his flowers. Man goes to Walmart (where one in 5 purchases in this country are made) because the small gardening store went out of business. Man sees 5 flower pots that are designed based on the 5 different types of buyers. Blue for male. Red for Female. Tan for young couple. Forest Green for older couple. Lavender for old lady. Old men are dead or don't care. Reduced down to a carefully studied democraphic, he leaves with blue.

How passionate are we supposed to live when we have been reduced down to a carefully studied demographic?

See the community infest me. The parts of me that were once full of life are starting to feel scrapped for megastores, painted flat matte beige or salmon. There is a gentrification going on inside my head that allows me to listen to the blood stained news on my car radio and simultaneously think to myself, "should i get a frappucino or just an ice coffee?" I mean, i'm not quite as fuct as the people that have the audacity to make comments about what a nazi Mel Gibson is while we murder innocent "towel heads" every day, but maybe that's next? Is it a slippery slope to a gated community at 32 years old? If you stare at the sun to long will you blind? Should you really not eat before you swim? Is my dickhead republican uncle right with that saying with which he always ended our arguments: "if you are twenty and you aren't an idealist, you don't have a heart. But if you're 30 and you are still an idealist, you don't have a brain."

(i never accepted that i was an idealist. Just a realist with an obsessive compulsive need to fix things. But if that need to fix gets fixed, then what? Guilt free boredom... aka: apathy. )

i guess what i'm saying is that i've lost sight of what makes this country, the US, "great" anymore. And i'm not saying that with all the melodrama of rebellious collegiate youth (i wish i was). I'm saying it with a sadness of someone who has fallen out of love with their partner. This country is not honest with me any more. I cannot trust it. i used to be so fascinated with its promise of democracy. But now that is all a facade. Come to find out i was being used. Our long conversations that would last for hours into the night have now been replaced with silent dinners at Macaroni Grill. The passion i felt when we were together exists only in shopping now. She's spending more time in other countries... I'm spending more time in the ocean so i can get away from her. It's not that i don't love you, america. You'll always have a place in my heart, you know that. You know my family and friends... i think i just need some time to think.

Yeah... It's not that i don't love you, america, it's that im not sure if i love myself anymore. i don't know what makes you great anymore, and therefore i'm not sure i know what makes me great anymore. And i, like you, was raised on the notion that we were Great. This Great Nation of ours. A destiny manifested. "What occurs in our neighborhoods is connected to everything."

Maybe the reason we lose our "ideals" at 30 is because we wake up to the reality that this is all a hoax. And then we choose to

A. suckle up and stay fed (republicans)
B. stay in an abusive relationship (democrats)
C. become the disgruntled divorcee who gets drunk makes a fool of oneself at parties. (progressives, greens, liberals, bloggers ... me)

Anyway, as you can tell... my head isn't quite screwed on at the moment. So, I'm headed to Scotland on Friday for another 9 days on a job. I might write before then, but if i don't i just wanted to let you know... If America calls, just say i went to Buck's for a frappucino... or an iced latte, i don't know yet.