Pope tosses out babies

Just heading out to start my day when my mother gave me the news that Hell has been closed for further remodelling. Perhaps not all of Hell, but


at least the area just after the gates. Limbo, or "the fringe" of Hell, once reserved for unbaptized babies to spend eternity floating, is being abolished by the new Pope B. in an effort to gain votes with the pro choice crowd, as the collection of old baby souls and fetuses will be used for stem cell research.

Rumor has it the new space will be used for a new Indian Casino with a hip nightclub to be filled with souls that never recieved the sacrament of marriage. Said souls will find themselves at the bar everynight feeling the pressures of wasting their pathetic life as hotter souls, with whom they have absolutely no chance of talking, pass by. Some lamer souls will be forced to wait in line outside for eternity as much cooler demons walk straight in. The souls of the no self esteemed chubby people will also be there to spend eternity waking up hungover with strangers and doing the walk of shame past the houses of everyone they have ever known.

Some speculate that with the new wave of CEOs, politicians, and military contractors sure to come, unbaptized fetuses are a trivial thing of the past. Others feel that the pope must be taking into consideration all the Baby Boomers that will be showing up soon.

Questions abound:

Will there only be 8 levels of hell now? Is a level being added anywhere else to fill the space?

Will Purgatory expand to make room for the babies leaving Limbo? If not, what will happen to all the babies? Where will unbaptized babies go now?

Is the pope claiming that it is okay if we aren't baptized now?

Is this the dawn of kinder, gentler Hell?

Is the pope allowed to just rearrange the afterlife at will? Does this effect the credibility of the Christian afterlife if it is just being made up as we go along?

Is this just a slippery slope to letting the lustful or the gluttonous into heaven?

What about those of us who worked our asses of to be good this whole time? Do we get extra Paradise?

Wait... you can't abort a cluster of cells, but you can send an unbaptized baby to hell for eternity? wtf?